R. S. - Another way to die

Hello you guys! The other night I was writing, working on the rough draft of (R.S.), and today I came upon this tiny scene, where the character does something really strange.

I honestly was about to delete it, because I didn't find use for the scene, and don't even remember much about it! I don't know why I wrote it all.

Today, sober and saturated with caffeine, I understood the meaning.

My character was committing suicide (kind of).

It didn't hit me at first, because he doesn't blame it on him, or warns you about it. He just does it. But he doesn't go through with it. I have no idea why, to be honest.

Anyway, I really wanted to share it, and ask you if I should keep it. Not because I can't decide myself (which I can't, at the moment), but because I find it rather...I don't know, wobbly? Like it has no true structure.

Thoughts?

"The night is bright, and I want to walk around the beach so I can clear my mind and think about my dad and my brother. I am planning to tell them about the Parse tonight. I don’t know how I will tell them. They will ask me so many questions, and I don’t want to answer any of them, or have to fight my dad. I just don’t know where my brain is right now.

I take off my shoes and walk along the water, where the waves lap against the sand and make love. Yes, I like to feel the water and sand on my feet. The water is not cold, and the sand is still warm from the gone sun. My feet giggle, and I like the way they communicate with me, because I go deeper into the sea until I am wet to the knee. I regret it, because a wave catches me in accident and then the sea is trying to eat me, to swallow me whole.

My shoes fly to safety and land on dry sand, while my hand that just threw them is vigorously trying to save me. Luckily I know how to swim, but the wave caught me by surprise and right now it seems as if I am drowning, because I can’t find the floor and I don’t want to open my eyes to try and find it. I am running out of breath. I try to hold the little air I do have in my lungs while new waves keep rolling out, and the old ones continue dragging me deeper into the ocean.

I should be screaming, or trying to free myself from the water, but I can’t. I feel as if I should let the sea take me. After all, it is what it wants. It wants me out of this world, away from the world that plans to kill me once finding out that I’m an anomaly. Different.

The sea listens, it reads my thoughts; it knows that I accept to die once I have the chance.

I find the floor, and the waves stop rolling. I find the sky. I find the stars. I gasp for air, calmly, and then swim to shore. It was only a few seconds or maybe it was a few minutes, but the sea took me a good ten meters inward. Why did it spit me out? I could swear I would let myself drown if the sea had just kept me underwater for a few more minutes.

Maybe I was a coward and fought for my life. Maybe I saved myself."